"Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did! "
-------------------------ANONYMOUS----A PUNJABI SAYING--------------------
Marriage has always been a CONTRACT, though unwritten one. It is only lately that we see the WRITTEN CONTRACTS are now becoming a fashion. There could be number of reasons for the same, such as economic concerns, social insecurity and waning mutual interests . I won't like to debate on them but highlight the difference between Sub- Continental and Western marriages. As they always say, " In the subcontinent ,one does not marry a person but one marries into a family". In the Western culture, Marriage is an Individual affair-----I am basically talking of the APPROVAL part of the marriage when two persons of different genders seek a union.
Let me first define marriage for you. I define marriage as MUTUALLY ASSERTING RELATIONSHIP REDEEMING INTIMACY, AFFINITY & GENDER EQUALITY .It has a deeper meaning. How? I'll explain. It is very important to understand that the basic foundation of marriage rests upon the two-way and simultaneous flow of positive emotions depicting mutual care, concern, respect and sacrifice. You can not get away from this, if you want marriage to survive. The moment the flow of positive emotions stops---a Western marriage goes into a tail spin. But, Indian marriages linger on and the break in flow of positive emotions is recreated because the 'DHARMA of MARRIAGE'.
Physical infatuation, intellectual compatibility or even 'gender-magnetization 'an not and will not become the lasting foundations of marital love. At best they are biological & psychological parameters explaining behavioural patterns of similiar human beings,albiet of different genders.There is a difference between various kinds of love. Pre-martial love, whether arranged or self generated, is blind and full of formalities .It is so because you live in a world of dreams. Everything seems good. At times, people do cheat but they are aberrations.Such love will not last long. It will not lead to union of two minds- the ultimate goal of love. Similarly, if either of the two, cheats post-marriage, it will lead to marital discord, disharmony and friction.Post-maritial love demands true relationship because it is a real world. Neither of the partner can afford to show neglect & lack of attention towards eah other.
Sacrifice is not a one way traffic for females alone. Gents too will have to forgo a lot of pre-marital activities, if the love has to strengthen its bonding. Both must operate with open,receptive and pious mind to reinforce the moorings of love. THERE FORE ONE MUST NOTE THAT LOVE DEMANDS FROM THE PARTNERS PIETY OF THE MIND,FRANKNESS OF VIEWS N RIGHTEOUSNESS OF SELF CONDUCT. Love ,more so post-marriage,needs sanctity of conduct n purity of trust. This makes the relationship mutually assertive.It makes them adjust to each other freely. The leading gesture is to voluntarily surrender to each other or what you call intimacy. Both treat each other at par- a guided equality. This is the type of love which welds the two into a 'MADE-FOR-EACH-OTHER-PRODUCT' which empowers them collectively or singly to weather all social storms that rage in their lives or in the society.They ,thus acquire the capability to fulfil their social contract. And the big question. What is it?
IN THE INDIAN SOCIAL CONTEXT, REGARDLESS OF THE CAST CREED AND RELIGION,MARRIAGE IS A 'SOCIAL CONTRACT 'PLUS LOVE. NO MATTER, HOW IT COMES ABOUT? WE ARE NOT REARED AND NOURISHED IN THE 'ANIMAL-KINGDOM-PHILOSOPHY' OF THE WEST, WHO ALLUDE A LOPSIDED MEANING TO LIBERTY AND FREEDOM AS THE ANIMALS DO IN THE JUNGLE.I only wish to remind you that we belong to a far too-superior-culture and a social system which has withstood the test of times. Let me stop at this for the time being.
'Social contract' is 'DHARMA'. I know it would raise your heckles raised and erect antennas. No? OK,If i tell you that English word "RELIGION" does not contain its meaning in entirety, would you agree? In fact, there is no equivalence of"DHARMA" in this language.It is an irony that the most popular language of the world is the most unscientific and underdeveloped.
You don't seem to agree wih me. Give you another example.Look at the word "LOVE". It seems to cater for 'PARENTAL-AFFECTION','BROTHER-SISTER-EMOTIONAL- AFFINITY'; 'EMOTIONAL-INFATUATION OF MARRIED COUPLE' N 'PHYSICAL VIBES BETWEEN A BOY N THE GIRL'.In 'Hindi' it will be 'MAMTA';SANEH';PREM'N 'PYAR'respectively. U people still don't agree.Ok, look at the words Uncle and Auntie. Do they fully define social relationships? There are tons of examples I can give you.REMEMBER, LANGUAGE IS THE MIRROR OF A SOCIAL SYSTEM AND ITS GOVERNING ETHOS. LIKE ITS LANGUAGES, THE WESTERN SOCIAL SYSTEMS, ARE MOST OBSSESSED WITH INDIVIDUALISTIC ETHOS.
TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE CLAIM THAT WESTERN SOCIAL SYSTEMS WERE SCIENTIFIC, TOO. 'Freedom and Liberty' of the Western philosphy owe its origin to 'Slave-Mentality' and 'Jungle-Thinking'. Their craving for 'Individuality' bears no responsibilities and accountability.Their concept based upon 'FREE-FOR-ALL-DICTUM' , LEADS TO SOCIAL CHAOS & DISORDER; SELFISHNESS AND GREED; INDIVIDUALIZATION AND CONFLICT. AS A CONTRAST TO THIS, SOUTH ASIAN SOCIAL SYSTEM AND ALSO OF THE ORIENT, PAY ATTENTION TO SOCIAL EXISTENCE IN AN ORDERLY MANNER.
'Freedom and Liberty' ,in this culture, have a far deeper meaning.We had systems like 'SVYAMAMBER', where a bride used to select a groom for herself. Our 'Guru-Shishya' system of the past was the best example of freedom and liberty in the learning process.Honour and dignity with discipline was the central theme of this freedom. So there you are.
Let us now revert to 'Dharma'. The word 'religion' does not mean 'DHARMA'. You see religion in its dictionary meaning stands for temporal rituals and method of worshiping your chosen god. It tells you 'what to do' and 'how to do' in seeking unison with your god. "Dharma", on the other hand is a 'way of life'. Religion has only temporal connotations, 'DHARMA' has religious,societal, economical,military ,familial and existentional connotations. It speaks of values,ethos, moralities, etiquettes, ethics, attitudes, postures,inclinations in a given human activity. It leaves no scope for different interprettations. And it has a very scientific way of evolving themselves.
What you see in modern India today is cultural abberratins brought about by alien philosphies heavily dominated by religious practices. India of the past never gave importance to religion, cast and creed. Importance was given to disciplined existence of human beings.There were conflicts. But they were between "Dharma" and "Adharma"-the 'right and the wrong'. 'Right n wrong' was not decided by an individual but by the social system of the community. Zones of freedom and liberty were well defined for individuals----male n female, groups, pairs,communities, societies, polities and kingdoms.There was no free for all system of the animal societies. 'DHARMA' HAD COMMITTMENTS,DUTIES, RESPONSIBILITIES, ACCOUNTABILITIES, RESTRICTIONS, STIPULATIONS, DO'S N DON'TS ON ALL SPHERES OF HUMAN ACTIVITY. IT DEMANDS SACRIFICES, CARE, CONCERN, HONESTY, INTEGRITY AND LOYALTY FOR ALL RELATIONSHIPS.
'DHARMA is thus a self binding code of conduct. It is an unwritten contract with self to do every thing within the frame work of 'Dharma'-which is an evolved philosophy of the South Asia.Incidentally,'Dharma' is a 'Sanskrit' word and "HINDU' is a Persian word.The latter is as foriegn as the word 'India'is. More on this in some other time. Remember, Dharma is an all encompassing self speaking philosophy, which becomes binding to follow. It is a contract.
Why doI say,"Marriage is a social contract"? Simply put, it is a social phenomenon between two individuals. It is not an individual activity in isolation. If Marriage is a social contract,It is simply a DHARMA, as defined above. It is not and can not be an individual activity. Western social systems,though treat it as an individual phenomenon and thus apply the rules of 'jungle living'.Our marriages,no matter how they are brought about, whether arranged or the familial acceptance of emotional vibes between two individuals, they are family affairs unlike the West which are individual affairs. In our marriages, honour, respect,dignity and prestige of two families are invested.
Therefore, marriages, in Indian context, have to operate within the given frame work of social contract, which is Dharma. It does not allow freedom to operate outside the contract. This is the difference. Finally, what is love? To simpify: it is Loyalty (L) Orchestrated(O) Vibes(V) and Emotions(E)experienced during a visual, platonic, physical and social interaction between two individuals . Marriage is therefore, LOVE BACKED BY DHARMA. It must honour the ethos of its route.
